The Devil and Misato Katsuragi
by Fury Cutter
Summary: A little treat for all you readers lovingly ripped off from Simpsons mini story 'The Devil and Homer Simpson'


AN "Blah"- Normal speech  
_'Blah'- _Thoughts  
_"Blah"-_ Memories, dreams  
Blah - Radio, comn, ect  
Please note the lay out is the way it is because I'm too lazy to go into mass detail_

* * *

_

_Neon Genesis Evangelion  
_The Devil and Misato Katsuragi

The story starts on a catwalk. Misato is in the crowd.

Announcer  
_The next in our fall catalogue, we love this, it is a vision from Germany. _

A glass of beer on top of a pair of amodel's legs with an German flag wrapped around it like a cape.

Misato  
_"Ooh, pure genius!"_

The scene fades to Misato dozing in the snack room. She wakes up with a start.

Misato  
"And now to make the leap from dreams to reality!"

She opens a mini fridge and screams when she finds it is empty. Maya and Ritsuko are standing behind her.

Maya  
"Sorry Misato, while you were daydreaming we drank all the beers."

Ritsuko  
"Well, there were a few left, but we had Rei drink them to see what would happen."

In the girls Locker room, Rei has a beer can in one hand and fawning over Asuka.

Rei  
_(Slurs)_ "Y'know has any told you have really pretty hair?"

Asuka  
"HEELP!"

Misato returns to her office in a panic.

Misato  
"Alright, stay calm. Remember your training."

He opens an 'Emergency Procedures' manual. Inside, there is a big space with a piece of paper is in it. Misato reads it.

Misato  
"Dear Misato, I owe you one emergency beer. Signed, Misato. Bastard! She's always one step ahead. Oh... I'd sell my soul for a beer!"

Suddenly, Shinji appears behind Misato, dressed like the devil.

Shinji  
"Well, that can be arranged."

Misato  
"Shinji! You're the devil?"

Shinji  
"Ho ho, it's always the one you least suspect. Now, many people offer to sell their souls without reflecting upon the grave ramifications--"

Misato  
"Do you have a beer or not?"

Shinji  
"Coming up! Just sign here. Careful, hot pen!"

While Misato signs, Gendo Ikari watches on the security monitors.

Gendo  
"Hmm, who is that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jip."

Fuyutsuki  
"The Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock."

Cut back to Misato and the devil. A creature appears, carrying a six pack for Misato. Misato grabs one of them and starts chugging and throws it away before grabbing another can and repeating the process.

Shinji  
"Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for--"

Misato  
_(swallows. She's about to pull the tab on the last can.)_ "Hey wait. If I don't finish this last beer, you don't get my soul, do you?"

Shinji  
"Uh, technically no, but--"

Misato  
_(taunting)_ "I'm smarter than the devil! I'm smarter than the devil!"

Suddenly, Shinji turns into a huge scary monster.

Scary Shinji  
"You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in Hell yet, Misato Katsuragi!"

He disappears back into the ground. Misato puts the beer in her purse.

Misato  
"Not likely, heh heh."

------------------------------

Later that night, Misato comes down stairs for a midnight snack. Looking in the fridge, her hand passes over several food items, and she picks up the last beer, despite several warning signs around it.

Misato  
"Mmm... forbidden beer..."

pulls tab and chugs it, and Shinji appears again.

Shinji  
Well, well, finishing something?

Misato  
Aah!

A hole of fire appears in the kitchen floor and Misato is dragged towards it. Kaji enters the room.

Kaji  
"Katsuragi, did you drink that beer?"

Misato  
_(weakly)_ "No."

Misato is drawn into the hole, but gets stuck.

Shinji  
"Oh, your wide behind won't save you this time!" _(Asuka & Rei enter)_ "Hey Asuka."

Asuka  
"Hey."

Rei  
"Wait! Doesn't the Major have the right to a fair trial?"

Shinji  
"Oh, you Japanese with your "due process" and "fair trials." This is always so much easier in Mexico. Very well, we'll have the trial tomorrow at the stroke of midnight. Until then, you're going to spend the day in Hell!"

His pitchfork turns into a plunger. He pushes Misato into the hole, and follows him. Misato falls through a huge cavern, screaming all the way into Hell. She lands on a conveyor belt.

Misato  
"Ah, that wasn't so bad."

She reaches the end of the conveyor belt, where a demon chops her in to pieces. Her mouth and shoes are separated and put into a bin labelled "Hot Dog Meat."

Next, Misato is in a room labelled 'Ironic Punishments Division.' Another demon straps Misato into a chair. The room is full aquarium tanks of beer with different brand names printed on them.

Demon  
"So, you like beer, eh?"

Misato  
"Uh-huh."

Demon  
"Well, have all the beer in the world!"

The demon laughs. A machine then lowers a tube into Misato's mouth and beer flows into her mouth. Misato keeps drinking and drinking, and drinking. Later, Misato has drunk most of the beers, and is extremely fat and tipsy.

Misato  
_(Slurs)_ "More."

Demon

"I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes!"

------------------------------

The clock in the Katsuragis' living room strikes midnight. Shinji appears, as does Misato's body appears in a cage made of fire. His head appears shortly afterwards, and Misato screws it back onto his neck.

Asuka  
"Misato! Are you alright?"

Misato  
"No."

Lionel Hutz walks in, combing his hair with a fork.

Hutz  
"Ms. Katsuragi, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it."

A fiery pentagram appears on the floor. The Grim Reaper appears as the judge.

Grim Reaper  
"Hear ye, hear ye. The Court of Infernal Affairs is now in session."

Hutz  
"Very well, but first some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour."

Shinji  
"Agreed. Number two, the jury will be chosen by me."

Hutz  
"Agreed." _(realizing)_ "No, wait--"

Shinji  
"Silence! I give you the Jury of the Damned! Benedict Arnold, Lizze Borden, Richard Nixon..."

Nixon  
"But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook."

Shinji  
"Hey, listen. I did a favour for you!"

Nixon  
"Yes, master."

Shinji  
"...John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!"

There doesn't seem to be enough seats for everyone. Rei brings out a high chair for Blackbeard the Pirate.

Rei  
"I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs, and this is the last one."

Blackbeard  
"Arr! This chair be high, says I."

The proceedings begin.

Shinji  
"I hold here a contract between myself and one Misato Katsuragi pledging me her soul for a beer -- which I delivered! And it was scrump-diddly-umptious! I simply ask for what is mine!"

(_The jury chatter_.)

Hutz  
"That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." _(with emphasis)_ Which is unbreakable!" _(the jury stare at him)_ "Excuse me, I must use the restroom."

A long time goes by and Hutz has not come out. Kaji goes to see.

Rei  
"Uh, Mr. Hutz?"

She opens the door. He is not there, and the window is open. The Grim Reaper starts the sentencing.

Grim Reaper  
"Misato Katsuragi, I have no choice but to sentence you to an eternity of--"

Kaji  
"Wait! Before you send her to Hell, there's something you should see." _(shows the jury a photo which shows a much younger Misato who's lying on a gurney with a younger Kaji holding her hand and a younger Ritsuko with brown hair standing behind him with a look of embarrassment on her face)_ "That's a photo of Misato me and Ritsu from the at friends party where he declared our love for each other."

Nixon  
"Wait, wait, you got declared your love for each other in an emergency room?"

Kaji  
"Well, Misato had made a fruit pie to take with her and ate the entire thing by herself... before the party and got food poisoning from her own cooking!" _(The jury laugh)_ "Read the back! The back!"

Blackbeard  
"Arr, 'tis some kind of treasure map!"

Arnold  
_(snatching photo)_ "You idiot, you can't read!"

Blackbeard  
"Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensating!"

Arnold  
"Dear Kaji: in this dark cruel world you have shown me love and hope still exist. All I can give you in return is my... soul, which I pledge to you forever."

The jury debate amongst themselves.

Lizze  
"We've heard enough. Your honour, we find that Misato Katsuragi's soul is legally the property of Ryouji Kaji and not of the devil."

Shinji  
"Ah Crap."

Group  
"Yay!"

Misato: "Woohoo!" _(jumps and burns her head on the cage)_ "Ow!"

The judge and jury disappear in a puff.

Shinji  
"All right, Katsuragi. you get you soul back. But let that ill-gotten beer be forever on your head!

He points and fire shoots out." Misato screams.

The next at breakfast, Misato picks up her coffee mug and dunks it into her beer pitcher-head and and drinks.

Asuka  
"Misato, quit drinking yourself."

Misato  
"Oh, but I'm so cool and refreshing!" _(looks at her watch)_ "Oh, well, time to go to work."

Asuka  
"Erm Misato, I wouldn't go outside if I were you."

Outside, the whole police force wait, with beer glasses as well as packets of peanuts, pretzels and various other bar snacks.

Officer  
"Don't worry boys, she's gotta come out of there sometime."

* * *

AN Ok just a little treat for all you lovingly ripped off from everyones favorite yellow family. For all you who care I've completed the fourth chapter of _Stage of History_ and I'm waiting for my profreader to get back to me. Till next time peace. 


End file.
